I whisper to myself and the Universal spirits my wish to come into full alignment with who I truly am. Living, being, speaking, breathing, acting, sleeping, dreaming, engaging constantly with my own eternal presence means I am truly alive. barbara

What I love most is that I am now on the other side of realizing the illusions and lies I have been using to live my life. I am so aware that I chose to be disillusioned and the freedom I found in that realization enables me to see that I have choice in how I live in this moment, and this moment, and this moment. I can see that each moment I choose to live in appreciation and acceptance always reaching for alignment with my inner being will build a thousand moments to my own self-realization. barbara

I learned to mind my own business and let others be and have the experience they are choosing to have; I am in the process of learning to be the source of my own happiness and to quit demanding others change so that I can be happy. barbara

Like many others, I have a hard time asking for favors or help from people; I strive to be so independently able to do everything for myself. Yet, I have no problem in helping others and doing favors for them. Anytime I have asked people for a "favor" I always tried to pay them back three times over. barbara

Interestingly, I find it hard to give away or give up an opportunity to do something fun, new, different, or exciting, or share time with my loved ones, watch a Grand Slam tennis match, embark on a new adventure, or fill my mind with more spiritual food. The problem here, of course, is that I have to be careful not to use all of my beloved interests as "distractions" from taking good care of me, having private quiet time, and enjoying the sanctuary of doing nothing. barbara

I celebrate discovery -- not just discovery of worlds or new species, but discovery of self, one's own truth. One of my kitties is not doing well, but she is old (no one knows just how old, she found me one cold winter night) and I struggle with my social training to take her to a veterinarian (which she will hate no matter what) and my innate understanding that she just wants to handle whatever is going on with her without my interference thank you very much. If she chooses to die, I know she wants to die here at home among my things where she has had ultimate comfort and spoilization (<=== discovery of new word). I might succumb to the temptation to have a veterinarian tell me what is going on, but I will not do that today. I want to listen for what she wants. barbara

I believe the divine, the sacred, is my own spiritual self. If we are all part of the One, the divine, God, Source, then the divine in me is also the Universal divine. So, I look inward (after a lifetime of looking outward and searching) for what is sacred -- sacred meaning nonnegotiable, that which is eternal, that which will always be. And what I find is that I am so much more calmer, less afraid, more relaxed, more accepting of others, of all that is because the divine in me knows we are forever and whatever we are experiencing right now is one more lesson, one more expansion, of our existence. barbara

what if I call to your inner self and no one answers?

all things are right in my life today . . . I am exactly where I brought myself to be and since my eternal intent is to grow, become more of who I really am, everything I do and everything I encounter takes me through the experiences I need to get there; the bestest rights in my life today are my relationships with my boyfriend, my granddaughter, my co-workers, my friends, my finances, my health, and my connection with reality; what leads all this to be right is my constant decision to be in alignment with myself as my self-discovery unfolds. barbara

Oh, dear . . . a timely, gentle reminder that I do not do this daily, or enough, or with any regularity. When I do, I meditate for 10 to 15 minutes in the morning upon awakening (directly after those whiny kitties are fed and the coffee is put on to brew). At the end of the meditation, I take a minute or two to envision my day, see myself as healthy and joyfully moving through all the motions. In the evenings, I journal a page or two and always begin with the most positive aspect of the day. I end with my intent to sleep with peace and healing and when I visit with the spirits in the night, my experience will unfold for me all the secrets that I am. barbara 

nothing outside of me . . . everything within me . . . some deeper, innate wisdom that poked and prodded at me (and still does) and said "move your ass --- life can be better than this" -- whatever made me pick up a yoga book at age 9 when I was searching for peace of mind and continues to send me to the library or the bookstore (when funds allow) to get the thoughts of others and make them mine when they fit. I stopped believing in magic and instead believe in my own power and since my power (energy) is eternal, it is my inexhaustible place of strength. barbara

P.S. Oh, and Gaia community.

Absolutely . . . but it does not have to be a way of life. Suffering, like any other condition and like all things, comes and goes. Nothing comes to stay. Suffering offers contrast and indicates what I do not want so I can focus my attention on what I do want. I suffered in poverty and debt for years and learned how to live in abundance and wealth. I suffered with thinking I could never be more than a minimum-wage earner and then went on to get a graduate degree and now earn a three-figure income. I suffered in bad relationships and moved on from each one knowing I wanted someone who treated me well (today, I know I have found him). I think the greatest danger is that people try to avoid suffering through drugs, alcohol, or even staying in a relationship or situation that is not good for them because they don't want to suffer the pain of separation. Looking at and accepting what I don't want or what causes me discomfort is my indicator that I want something different. Today, I do not have to suffer greatly to see the contrast . . . just a little bit of suffering sends me on my way to something better for me. barbara

Automatic scream: "No! I won't not pick a religion at all! Ever! You Can't Make Me!" Okay, now that's done, I would pick Buddhism. It is the closest to my growing belief system of our existence: life is suffering, suffering has a cause, suffering can end, and there is a path to ending suffering. And then Buddhism goes on to confirm that it is indeed all about me :)

Money and I have a "love/hate" relationship . . . and I keep acting like it is a separate entity from myself when all in actuality, money is just energy with a specific value in terms of how it can be used. So, it flows naturally that I love the things and comfort it can bring me, but I hate the fact that I need it. Hmmm. Perhaps that is why I have almost always worked at jobs that I hated but made me a lot of money and why I spend it looking for love in all the wrong places (material possessions, giving others money or expensive gifts, buying a house I can barely afford). Over this next year, I am changing this relationship. I am becoming mindful of what I love and wanting to attract those people and events into my life that also bring money doing and being what I love. barbara

my need this morning is immediate: how do I heal the head injury I suffered a year and a half ago that now results in a post-concussive syndrome with seizures that occur every 4 to 5 weeks and wipes me out physically and emotionally and mentally? I feel that my body is doing two things: bringing attention to my head and trying to compensate for some kind of imbalance. barbara

Who would you like to send a special blessing or whisper of thanks to? What would you like to appreciate?

My friend Jonathan, who has been a wonderful romantic partner, makes me laugh, is honest with his feelings and who he is, and who came to be with me on a day when I looked terrible, was feeling sorry for myself, worried, and otherwise pathetic. I am so grateful that our paths have crossed and so appreciate his being him. barbara

I need more "mind time"  -- I have lost a lot of my old comforts and ways of being and need to stop, become aware, and investigate my new normal. My life is full of hopping from one responsibiity (a full time job, teaching, taking graduate classes, a boyfriend, a granddaughter, tennis, other friends - blessings to be sure) to another so much so that even as I try to focus on one project, thoughts of the rest of my projects interrupt me . . . interrupt me(?) -- that is exactly what is happening with the symptoms I get every 4 to 5 weeks ever since my concussion. They stop me, interrupt everything that I might be doing or thinking, even if only for 45 seconds. So I need to look at and resolve the ways I interrupt myself, my desires, my wants, my needs by being busy doing other things. I can learn to not interrupt me and my process and follow me where I need to go. barbara

currently, this probable seizure disorder . . . I don't want to be defective. I want things to be the same. I don't want to take medication (I will if my doctor prescribes it trusting that my body will accept it and use it as is good and appropriate for me). I am changed and need to get on board with that. I am confident that healing my brain to stop the seizures is a matter of learning to balance and discharge energy. Something "rights" itself during the seizures, it takes me three or four days to completely recover, but I feel just fine for the next 3 to 4 weeks. Then, about a week before, I start to "lose" words (i.e., cannot think of the word for something even though I know I know it) so energy is getting blocked. I am coping with this by knowing that the seizures are steadily become less intense and my recovery period is becoming shorter and shorter and I know eventually they will cease or become a non-issue. I am getting accupuncture treatments and Thai yoga massage (the one month I had a Thai yoga massage, I only had 2 seizures during a 4-hour period compared with the usual 18-20 over a 36-hour period). I am looking at this as a message from my body and mind to pay more attention to me and my energy and, in the long run, a signpost to direct me to the rest of my life. barbara

Stop.Take a deep breath.What are you noticing? What is arising? What is immediately present to you?

that I am loved and cared for; that I am on the other side of the post-concussive symptoms and feeling better; that energy and answers to support me on my life's path greet me and welcome me; interestingly, I am less of seeker, more of an allower; I am becoming more curious and patient in my willingness to let answers and guidance come to me and pursuing a path or course of action when I feel inspired and a voice inside me says, "this feels right. Follow that way. Let these events lead you." I am still right now present with my resistance who says "aren't you supposed to be THIS or go THAT way?" It is a delicate dance of balance and silent song. barbara

This depends on what I think I am afraid of. Fear is an indicator, a signal. There are rational fears that I need to pay attention to because they indicate situations that might result in harm to me (such as reckless drivers, bottomless drops off of cliffs, the guy who has been married and divorced (worse: widowed) five times, and my cat when I have forgotten to feed her . . .

Other times, I am namelessly afraid or afraid of things that go bump in the night. Again, an indicator of something I need to look at. Generally, within the examination, I find the story that has caused me to doubt myself and think that I am less than I am.

The thing that I fear the most, however, is that I might harm others.

Regardless of what scares me, I find two very important things give me comfort: first, I can always act and take care of myself in spite of my fear; second, I was born with everything I need to endure, resolve, cope, heal, be, defend, and continue. My certainty that I will continue to exist eternally sustains me. barbara

Piled dishes, laundry . . . an unkempt bed . . . all significant indicators of a life well-lived. barbara

I don't think I have needed anyone to help me get out of bed since I learned to crawl some 50 years ago (evidently, I was climbing out of my crib as soon as I figured out how to toss the blanket over the railing and use it to slide down the other side).  I don't think I have been so completely helpless or sick that I was unable to get my own water or food. The times when I have been dependent on someone to help me get to and from a doctor or an appointment were tremendously stressful. I tend to pick people who are not very good at taking care of others . . . perhaps I should change my flavor of friends . . . barbara

Okay, warning! warning! there are two things, but the first is a little, well, sexy -- I think it is still rated PG-13 though -- apologies if not . . . anyway getting on with it . . .

The first thing that gives me peace when both experiencing it and thinking of it is waking up in the middle of the night in the arms of my significant other. I feel wrapped in comfort, love and safety.

The second "thing " (actually person) that gives me peace and forever smiles, is my 7-year-old granddaughter and all of her delightful child-inspired enjoyment of life in the most fully possible way. She has no mommy, which is very sad for me :( but she has a wonderful father, the best grandma ever (me) and an aunt (my stepdaughter) who only want to play and love her, and another set of grandparents who adore her. She has found her peace, and I know we all contribute to it.

barbara

In my words, in my stories, in my tales of life and reconciliations of the conflicts and fear of things that go bump in the night. There is no end in site! There no censor looking over my shoulder when I write for me. There is the forever spirit within who guides me, delicately traces my fingers across the keyboard to find the right word, the right phrase, the right mixture of innuendo and blatant accusation so that I can become clear, and I am revealed. barbara

my childhood was a rather frightening and insecure time . . . most memories I have from it have more to do with near death experiences and struggling to survive (physically and emotionally); my mother did not sing songs or lullabys to me; she had her own struggles; the best I can do here is the litany that I had with my daughter as she was growing up: "Good night," I would say. "good night," she would reply. This was to close our day. "I love you," I would say. "I love you," she replied -- this to carry us through our sleep. "See you in the morning," I would say and she would say, "see you in the morning." A reassurance that we would awaken and be together. These are simple, simple words, but we repeated them every night and they seemed to secure and solidfy what was most important to us. barbara

How to truly "be" fully in the world . . . be fully alive in my existence . . . allow everything that I am to be heard, known, seen, acknowledged, shared, accepted, loved, nurtured, cared for, and grow. barbara

Like everyone, I am already living forever; we exist eternally, and have just emerged into this time/place reality to experience and learn what I decided I needed to. I would not want to be in this physical body forever. Optimally, it would serve our planet better if we lived an additional hundred years so we could see more of the consequences of our actions and impact that we have. barbara

I still struggle with the illusion that my spiritual path and my life path are separate . . . that I can pretend while I am at work that this is my "work" life and spirituality has no place there makes work so empty and unfulfilling; so I think I need to find different work that sustains me spiritually and financially; my spiritual path, my life path, are the same path. I do the same in some relationships . . . thinking that unless the other person indicates a spiritual desire to connect with me on that level, then spirituality has no place in our relationship. Another illusion . . . my connection with everyone is spirit. I am slowly reconciling the illusion of spirituality being separate and apart from everything, because it is everything and might just be the only true existence. barbara

my divorce . . . it set me free on a path to myself; had I remained married to that person, I probably would have still been struggling to make it all "right" and "okay" no matter what stupid thing he did. Sometimes, it is best just to move on. barbara

there is this little voice . . . a whisper, a nudge, a noise of clarity . . . a few words scribbled on a piece of paper . . . an feeling of inspiration that sings of promise . . .and a drop, a sinking, a realization of absolute truth -- but just because it is true, does not necessarily mean I know how to (or if) to act on it; my fear rises in my aloneness, my knowing that no one is going to take care of me, that I alone am responsible for my well being; and I let reality dictate how I will respond to my inner voice, I continue to do what I know I can do and I wonder how I can marry my intuition to my reality and have them function as one. barbara