Feeling "love" for a person that is associated with them meeting conditions that I set is not "love" -- that is called manipulation, control, blaring-screaming warning of my own neediness, lack of self-esteem, and all the things I aspire to heal in myself. So, that being said, when I find that I do love others unconditionally, it means that I have accepted all facets of them within myself; in other words, because I believe others are reflections of who and what I am, when I accept and love all of myself, I can accept and love all of them. Like Yoda said in Episode VI, "there is no try; there is only do." (Yikes! My Star Wars nerdy side emerges!) I still love me. barbara

Everyone  I meet is my mentor; there is something in for me to learn from all who cross my path; occasionally, I have been lucky enough to have someone walk my path with me for a short while . . . all who leave their words here on Gaia are my mentors. barbara

Interesting that thinking about the present is not an option . . . lately, though, the past has crept into my thoughts more and more, even though I prefer to think about and create my future. I have been thinking about what has led me to my present, the people I have met, the decisions I have made, the events that have occurred, and pondering the whyness of them. I look at the lessons I took away from those people and events. And, I compare the past to the present and wonder: what is different? And why is it now different? The most intriguing question I have been tracking though is: I don't fit anywhere with 99 percent of the people I meet and the places I visit . . . how and why did I chose to come to my present life so totally out of sync with others?

The music of Ray Lynch (wonderful titles such as "Deep Breakfast" and "The Sky of Mind") and Explosions in the Sky (a little band out of Austin, Texas who did the movie soundtrack for "Friday Night Lights" and their latest "All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone"). Their music is full of energy and provoke emotional responses -- actual, physical responses -- within me. barbara

Lao Tsu -- although I am not sure he qualifies as a religious figure, his writings that form the basis of the Tao Te Ching are hugely spiritual to me; I am drawn to the lessons of being present, working with nature, letting go of the need to acquire things, letting go of the need to control, and the clarity that comes with an open mind. I would want to ask him directly if the translations we have done are correct and what other oodles of wisdom could he provide. barbara

I would like to be a water molecule . . . it is the most precious substance on the earth, and the most abused and misused; we make huge demands on it and yet it keep sustaining us; it arrives in various forms: visible and invisible -- vapor, droplets, and ice. And no one knows how it is made. We know what it is made of, but we don't know how to make it. We can put a whole bunch of hydrogen and oxygen together in a sealed room forever and still not get a drop of water. It is the power that carved the Grand Canyon, yet it is permeable and the most excellent solvent. It is the way I am trying to learn to live: softly, like water. barbara

I have to define "love" first . . . and the different degrees of love that I feel depending who/what that other is. The love I feel for my granddaughter or my boyfriend are not the same love I feel for my supervisor at work. I would die for my granddaughter and my boyfriend, but that supervisor is on her own. For me, the bottom line of "love" would be acceptance . . . not necessarily liking, but accepting that the other (whatever or whoever it is) has value and worth regardless of their response to living. The greatest challenge for me is accepting that just because I love another he/she/it does not have return my love or respond in accordance to my expectation. It is hard for me not to say "I love you, therefore, you must be wonderful, generous, accepting, beautiful, blah blah blah." And, with regard to acceptance (my definition is that love must begin there), then there is nothing that I cannot love because to live in reality means that I must accept what is as it is whether or not I like it. barbara

Everything . . . and nothing; I am recently becoming more and more aware of the Tao: how the universe is eternally empty, yet full. I strive to discover my purpose and have to acknowledge that my purpose just might be to discover me. In my heart, I am always trying to be open to all that is, accepting without trying to change, realizing that my presence, my intent, my actions, my thoughts all influence how everything will unfold, grow, develop . . . I am the same as the butterfly in China. barbara

To take better care of me . . . to make better decisions for myself, learn to recognize my limits, acknowledge what makes me happy, what is good for me, and then go there. barbara

To be the unique me who is emerging from and still belongs to the Universe of One. To be and live as a unique being and still belong requires that I transcend my human body and mind boundaries and see/feel/know/encounter life as One existence with endless facets of beings and circumstances and realities -- that this life is just one small segment of my full existence and brings with it its own special lessons that are the building blocks of my becoming. I need to learn that the One will sustain me while I learn to become. barbara

My purpose is never far from my thoughts . . . my struggle is thinking (not always a good thing that thinking thing) that I would have only ONE purpose and that I have to identify it and do that ONE thing to the exclusion of other things. And I think if there is just ONE purpose, it is to become truly totally completely me in all facets of my life. I am not sure if purpose and desire/want are always the same thing nor do I think they are necessarily mutually exclusive all the time (for example, the pursuit of the best chocolate is not necessarily a divine purpose, it serves only my desire, yet eating chocolate makes me feel happy, which is part of my purpose of becoming me). Curiously, my nudging toward my purpose(s) comes from my daily intent that I live as I truly am and that I be happy; then I pay attention to what comes to me: the people, the events, the ideas, the feelings, and I gravitate towards the ones that feel like home. barbara 

Frontal lobe seizures that occur every 4 to 5 weeks, an indicator of post-concussive syndrome; I am working with medication, yoga massage, and accupuncture, and listening intently to the message that the episodes are sending me. There is no physical injury any longer (the concussion occurred 18 months ago), but seizures can linger as the result of stress, unresolved mental and emotional issues, etc. When they occur, I get the sensation that my energy has been blocked and the seizure is the only way my body/emotions can release it. Slowly (I can be something of a mental blockhead), I am getting the message to follow my bliss, to relax, to let go of what worries me, to allow my energy to flow as it is meant to. barbara

I have learned that I deserve to be loved and treated in ways that feel loving to me. Too often my parents were not very loving, and were often neglectful or abusive, and many times simply ignored me. Yet, I was told that they loved me, so I associated being loved with having to bargain for attention, putting up with abuse, and being ignored or neglected by friends and lovers in my life. Didn't that mean they loved me? My parents wouldn't lie to me . . . would they? In their defense, my parents were loving me only as they knew how . . . how they must have been loved by their parents. But I'm a grown-up now and not dependent upon how others must love me. I have found new definitions of love that are more in accordance and congruent with what feels loving to me. I find that people don't necessarily know what feels loving to another . . . sometimes I have to tell them, and if they are unable to love me in a manner that I desire, I have to respect that, but it does not mean I have to hang around or put up with less than what I want. My demands for love seem simple: gentleness, kindness, honesty, communication, and compassion, and I must be able to give the same. When my significant other says "what would really feel loving to me right now is that you leave me alone so I can play my game, do my work, etc." I have to respect that. Other times, he says, "what would feel loving to me right now is if we could be together tonight." I have learned that I need to give him the same information about me. I literally need to say, "this or that feels loving to me." I have learned that it is unfair to demand that one person has to meet all of my needs. I am monogomous in my relationship, but I also look to other friends to love me and support me. I have learned to respect another person's nature and their innate ways of lovingness. Sometimes, the most loving thing a person can do for me is to listen and say nothing. barbara

I wake up every day wanting, seeking, promising, being a part of what makes life and our existence good and wonderful and each night I go to bed examining if I have done so. bk

I do not know about "right path" because my path in life has seemed to be a confusing winding twisting rolling climbing dropping sometimes disappearing road sidewalk pathway river stream ocean field of possibilities. All I know is that if I stay in touch with me and listen to me and am honest with me, all paths are right. On occasion I have felt compulsion . . . I feel compelled to get somewhere, to complete something, it is a pulling feeling, a feeling that "this or that needs to be done" (whether it is a piece of writing, a conversation with a friend, responding to a reflection, or moving haflway across the United States) -- it is a need and when I feel that particular compulsion, I know that it is me calling me across a great distance (mentally, emotionally or physically) to catch up with where my soul has already arrived. barbara

Flourishing to me means growing in full capacity, living well into my abilities, blooming creating expanding bountiful . . . and I am not flourishing where I want to be; I have only just begun to accept the idea that I can flourish . . . that it would be possible and I can only help others flourish after I have figured it out for myself. barbara

Be.
Be mindful.
Be me.
Be aware.
Be present.
Be accepting.
Be.
barbara

I came from emptiness and to emptiness I will return; there I will stay until I decide to form myself into something new or same or different or whatever; emptiness is not without life or love . . . it is simply without form. barbara

living and loving fiercely. barbara

Wordless places come about in the stillness between letting go of old ways and waiting for the new ways to be created. There are no words yet because the experience has not yet formed. There is just being. barbara

My soul . . . it is the eternal me who emerged from the great emptiness that is existence; I feel its weight in each breath I take, feel it tremble with each experience I witness, feel it expand with each new moment of knowledge as it becomes one with me and my soul. barbara

in my words. barbara

dark stormy clouds rumbling with thunder and slashes of lightening, leaving quiet buzzing in the air; disquieting showers of rain occasioned with pelting hailstones; it has been building up for some time . . . this storm of frustration and dissatisfaction . . . the winds cleanse the waste away and the ionized air the storm leaves behind is fresh and unencumbered. barbara

Currently, the cat sitting on my keyboard seems to think she is an essential must in my life . . .cannot post without her! That I exist -- here, now, as I am, must be accepted because only then can I make any assessment of a need to change; all things change, whether we want them to or not . . . I just have the choice sometimes of moving the process along if I want; rather than initiate change, I prefer to unfold and grow and to allow all other life to do the same. If there is an aspect of habit whether it be a doing thing or a thinking thing that I know is impeding my growth, then I work to change that; if there is a doing thing or a thinking thing that I can adopt to enhance my growth, my unfolding, then I work to change my way of being so that I can do the thing or become mindful of my thoughts so that my thinking better supports me. In all of this, I must pay attention to my feelings-- my emotions and the way my body feels -- they are my indicators of my wellness and connectedness to myself and others. barbara

seeking conscious awareness of being One

leave me alone . . . quit battering me with all these activities and deadlines . . . let me rest . . . quit making me responsible for other people's idiocies and neglect in taking care of themselves . . . barbara