my need to learn and grow through my learning; it is my compulsion . . . it encompasses all there is and there is nothing else. barbara

Spiders. They are not "animals" in the sense of mammals, but they are wild creatures. For some reason, I have always lived peacefully with them, never been bit (or stung?) , and never knowingly killed one. My favorites are the "fly spiders" -- they look like miniature tarantulas (who rank on my all-time favorite list), and they spin their webs in the corners of ceilings, close to windows and doors, where the webs catch flies in the summer time and save me the hassle of swatting flies. In my basement, they trap and eat all sorts of crawly things that don't belong in my home. One of my favorite activities in the summer, is to walk before dawn with my flashlight and find the giant webs they have spun in the night covered with droplets of dew and the occasional unwitting flying insect who is about to become breakfast . . . barbara

I would be the color of sunshine with its radiant transparency and glittering hot bright yellow reflection on a cold winter morning. If I were the color of sunshine, I could be any color in the universe from the deep empty blackness of space that cries out to the awe in all of us to the pure white beckoning of a snowdrift newly laid in the night that urges us to play and run amok like children without tethers. I could permeate invisible crevices and cracks of rock and stone, creep into the bark of an old oak tree, filter through the veins of leaves . . . such a wonderful, life-giving color sunshine is . . . I could be the heat that warms the soil that nurtures the seed. I could see all of the universe. I would be completely in touch with all that is. barbara

my given name has quirky origins; first, my father was in the military (artillery -- he shot off a lot of canons at people he never met) and we were Catholic; so my mother named me after St. Barbara, the patron saint of the army artillery (imagine that . . . a saint being asked to protect the guys with big guns; it makes me wonder if the people who were cannon-fodder --having bombs shot at them-- had a saint to protect them; and did the saints argue about who was going to win?)  Upon further inspection in a dictionary of names, though, it means something "foreign or strange" and I am definitely outside the mainstream of thought and being, even though I have struggled forever to fit in and be like everyone else . . . I actually went into therapy at one point because I wanted to get rid of this need I have to explore and discover the mysteries of existence because everyone told me how strange I was, and I could see how it made them nervous. Oh, well. So much for that . . .  I chose "eternal presence" to constantly remind myself that this particular existence is just one within endlessness and I am here to learn, become, and be present. barbara

Hmmm . . . it is a symbiotic relationship . . . I don't assume that my mind is in my brain (or even in my head for that matter); my mind travels all over the place, in my body, in the atmosphere, in my dreams, in my imagination; my body can go places, but usually my mind has to tag along; it is not necessary for my body to follow my mind, however; ideally, I would like my mind to listen to my body more . . . I physically feel emotions and conditions which are indicators of my well-being, but my mind can ignore all those, and, sometimes, that is not always good for me. barbara

If meditation is a path of self-discovery, then school is like a major highway of self-discovery for me. I have been in school nearly all of my life. I am pursuing a second master's degree (and then plan on getting the Ph.D.) in pastoral counseling and spiritual care at Loyola. I love school. I love learning. I love listening to what other people believe, feel, and think. We discuss the most interesting existential issues of our time (like we do here at Gaia) -- I love reading and writing about such things. School gives me community and continuity. Learning beckons me with a voice that clearly is calling me home. barbara

Any chance to connect with the great mystery of existence and come to know and feel a part of the nature of the One. I cannot always make sense of what happens in life -- much of it seems evil, wasteful, stupid, and useless -- but I learned from reading Viktor Frankl's books, that one must, absolutely must, find the good that is trying to emerge from terrible people and events, even if that good is arising only in oneself, in order to be fully alive and know who One is. Something invisible and yet unnamed drives me, motivates me each day to get up and poke at the mystery, nudge at its opaque misty nature, and try to uncover some element of eternal truth that will connect me with me and a deeper knowing and all I know is that I need to discover as much as I can before my physical death. barbara

mice in the refrigerator . . . I had a dream about mice rolling around in leftover stew in my refrigerator . . . I did not want to disturb their fun but knew that I had to throw the stew out once they were done . . . hmmm . . . sounds like a poem . . . I feel a story brewing . . . I would like to wake up to more wonderful thoughts of the creative side of life like this. barbara

Dear everyone who wrote on Winnie's post (including Winnie): thank you for helping put my pitiful little whining hard day because *someone* was mean to me in perspective. I consistently take for granted all of the wonderful, nice, peaceful, reliable, safe, consistent, and loving people whose lives are intertwined with mine and allowed one small ignorant interaction with one person to cloud that constant support. I have lots of water. I have a fairly reasonable government (not necessarily sane, mind you, but reasonable). I have the freedom to leave any time I choose. I am eating well, played tennis, drive a new car, have a wonderful boyfriend, a granddaughter who is more precious than life. I was born with intelligence, common sense, and the opportunity to do whatever I choose. Thank you. All of you. barbara

For me, fear is neither good nor bad -- it is just an indicator of something I need to pay attention to; it is my response to fear that determines its "goodness" or its "badness" (again, Shakespeare comes to mind - "tis nothing that is good nor bad but thinking makes it so"); like all of our emotions, we were given the ability to feel fear as a way to transcend boundaries (physical and emotional and mental) and become more than we were just a moment ago. I like to take fear and use it appropriately -- I enjoy being afraid of people with loaded weapons, for example, because I will stay alive longer if I fear them and avoid them, so I embrace that fear. I fear losing the love of my boyfriend, and that fear I must too embrace, but face it with the idea that I will transcend it, love him regardless, be willing to risk the loss for the chance to love and be loved. barbara

I would put a note in the time capsule. It would say: why are you wasting your time looking in here?! Go get a life! There is a reason why the past gets buried . . . barbara

"Difficult to see . . . always in motion is the future." (Yoda, Star Wars, Episode VI). One cannot live for very long, very well, in the future, for if one is living in the future, who is here taking care of the present? I believe in using some foresight about the future here in the present to better take care of me, but most of my focus is here, taking care of now, so I will be around for this future . . . in this moment, and this moment, and this moment, and this . . . oh, you get it. The future is some nebulous place of imagination and really does not exist, but is constantly arriving in each moment. barbara

Save the world from what? Us? Each other? We act as if we know how the world "should" be and our work focuses on goals and outcomes that define success which (once obtained) we discover are as transient and temporary as the next breath you take. One of our biggest problems is that there are only about, um, a bazillion different ideas of how the world "should" be and we keep fighting nature, ourselves, and reality to make those "shoulds" succeed. No one, absolutely no one, knows why we are here . . . each of us must discover that for ourselves and if there is anything that I will willingly succumb to in terms of "success," it is that we will learn how to co-exist and when our paths cross or collide, we will know how to deal with conflict peacefully. I can let go of the need to save the world (i.e., make it how I think it "should" be) and still do the work I came here to do . . . just as soon as I discover what that is. barbara

critical mass . . .  numbers are the best thing about critical mass because it does not take a whole bunch of numbers to create change. Critical mass is the number or amount of something (including people!) that can cause a monumental shift that is usually irreversible in the universe. Critical mass is not necessarily a majority, but just "enough" to set the event in motion and send it towards completion. Sociological critical mass is the best example I can think of. It really just takes a few people to get enough voice leverage to make a change . . . the key is unrelenting persistence (i.e., anti-smoking campaigns). Eckhart Tolle discusses this in his book "A New Earth." He essentially says it does not take a majority of people to agree, just enough to get the majority to follow. Critical mass is used in nature (biologically/chemically) as a survival and adaptation mechanism. The best thing about numbers in this instance is that it does not necessarily take a whole lot, just enough . . . barbara

I had just escaped drowning when I learned to swim . . . younger than age 7, I think; and as a result of that near-drowning episode, my mother made me and my sister take swimming lessons; from there I learned all sorts of fun stuff including life-saving and diving. To this day, despite my scary introduction, I love the water, love to swim, and have a healthy respect for all that H20. barbara

I was in a place that I care not to revisit today. barbara

"Hi. You have reached the voice mail of barbara's higher self. No one wants to answer the phone right now. You can leave a message after the beep and eventually someone might call you back . . . or not. You can try calling back at another time, but I come and go at the oddest hours so who knows when you might reach me. You can try the automated system if you desire words of wisdom . . . or you can just hang up and go trust yourself."

Hello? This is barbara's highest self returning your call. Uh-uh. I got your message. Okay, look . . . you guys are in deep doo-doo here . . . out of all the things you could create given your magnificent brains, your capacity to reason, your ability to learn from the past, your ability to create your future, and all the resources available on the earth, why (on earth) have you created all this doo-doo? Do something else! Anything else! Make life worthy of the mystery! Don't call me again until you do! (click)

I sent a Christmas card to my daughter, who I have not seen in nearly two years, and who I have only spoken to once in the past year -- her choice, not mine. She responded in kind, indicating that she was "finally" happy; I do not know what that happiness is; I miss her; I love her; I wish she were still a part of my life.

I am one of those clueless people who really has not figured it out yet. In fact, I am so clueless about how the world works, why people are the way they are, why we can't do better, and how I always seem to be totally out of sync with the world, that I actually put myself into therapy some 30 years ago to make myself be like other people (something I have alluded to in previous posts). Can you imagine? I put myself into therapy so I could become more unconscious . . . well, of course, what resulted was now I am acutely conscious of our limited physical beings, that there is a vast spiritual network of souls (all-that-is) which is existence itself, and this notion that we are separate and apart is silly. My difficulties lie in trying to reconcile and transcend my very human need to survive in a world where the primary belief system is one of disconnection and yet still pursue my connection, my awareness of my connection, my true nature of being a part of One, connecting with others who feel the same so I am supported and can support them, and being open to those who may present themselves in my life because they are ready to connect as well. that's a lot of words for a Friday morning that comes on the heels of a few sleepless restless days and nights. yawn.

I feel the need to plant seeds where none have been planted before; I want to create existence from nonexistence; I feel the need to respond in new ways to old things and embrace what has come to pass in the now. I want to nurture some as yet untapped part of me that is asking the ultimate question: this is life -- how are you going to respond?

The questions: what is life asking of me right now? And how do I choose to respond? These questions are the basis of Viktor Frankl's logotherapy, his psychotherapeutic approach that he was developing before he was sent to the concentration camps which became his sustaining salvation during and after his experience. My life has been gifted with many variable experiences and the ones that are least satisfying are the ones where I whine: "oh, why did this have to happen to me?" or "life isn't supposed to be this way! it is supposed to be (fill in the blank with whatever self-gratifying, ego-sucking, I-am-more-special-than-others)." I am recently reminded of how life has handed me a few challenges and how when I find myself in unhappy situations, I have to take responsibility for not only getting myself there, but for also how I am going to deal with the situation. One of Frankl's best therapies is for people to transcend their own pain, their own unhappiness, by helping others to transcend their pain and unhappiness, to find a reason each day to respond to life in a way that nurtures them and supports them, and sometimes, that may just be finding a way to get out of bed and go to work, to face another lonely day without loved ones, knowing that each day brings with it the promise of another chance to respond and grow. "Why should I get out of bed?" is an ultimate question, and when we have a "why" we can bear any "how." Each day on Gaia helps me to grow my compassion and motivates me to move beyond my own narrow focus into the world. I let the world bring me what I need to focus on . . . many things come across my path, some of which I pay attention to, some of which I ignore, but always I choose from a place of eyes wide open and the question: what is life asking of me right now?

Because anything I can name (identify) outside of me must already be a part of me in order to recognize it. If I can see and define what is destruction, hate, incompetence, deceit, etc., outside of me, then I must look within to find the same inside me: I must own it as my own and know it must exist inside me, else how would I recognize it? Similarly, though, when I witness love, compassion, caring, nurturing, beauty, and kindness, I can own that for myself as well and need only to go within to feel them all, be with them all. It is this knowing that gives me freedom of action, freedom of response -- I can respond to life and my challenges from my place of love, compassion, and kindness or from my place of destruction, hate, or incompetence, and sometimes (more often than I care to admit), a place of ambivalence because not everything in life is so black and white. Other times, my survival requires that I respond in a certain way. Yet even responding from a place of "I am not sure" or "don't know how" with conscious awareness is still more authentic and real than responding from a place of unconsious denial and ignorance. Going within and being aware is the choice that gives me power. The wisdom comes from knowing my boundaries . . . what is mine and what am I taking on from another or what am I projecting upon another? Owning what is truly mine that I project outside of me keeps me from condemning others and being judgmental. It also keeps me from running away and hiding when I see that which I don't like -- how can I run away from myself?

Unfortunate lessons . . . but that is only my perspective from my very limited human sight; my world has been a harsh instructor -- I have learned only a few lessons gently, but that could be more my fault than the instructor's (I can be a little bit dense and unconscious sometimes); sometimes a sharp smack on the head was necessary to get my attention. There are ultimate truths: this physical existence ends. No one really knows what happens next. No one, absolutely no one, knows more about my life, my needs, my existence, my spirituality, and my beliefs than me. They are mine to know, understand, create, nurture, or let go of. The hardest lesson I am still learning is that unconscious, self-serving, small-minded people are still making decisions that affect me for their own good. One of my idiot beliefs is that others have my best interests at heart when interacting with me and, especially lately, I have come to see that this is not true. It is an unfortunate result of our disconnect from the reality that we are really all One, all entertwined, connected, a part of All That Is. One fortunate lesson is that I can see ways to make life better, to love myself and others, to nurture rather than punish, to latch on the good trying to emerge from the bad (seeing "bad" as disconnect from what is good), and cradle that good in my arms, carrying it with me everywhere I go, and showing it to all who want to see, talking about it to all who will listen. barbara 

Answering this question requires I assume that I know what is going on inside other people and some days I can't even answer these questions for myself. Given my limited information, though, I would have to say: acceptance. I think we are all looking to be accepted. Acceptance implies belonging, love, fitting in, acknowledgment, validation, comfort, support, and all those other nifty things we all need to grow and become.

I am working from home today, feeling the aftereffects of one of my syndrome episodes of last week, missing my boyfriend and wondering if our relationship is worth pursuing, thinking about getting a roommate, missing my daughter, wondering what I want to be when I grow up . . .

Change. I rely on change and take comfort in the fact that nothing is going to remain the same, including me. I trust in the ultimate wisdom of our existence, our evolution and the desire of the universal consciousness to fully become that which is good for all. I believe it is possible. I believe that we will learn from our harsh lessons of this particular existence and carry forward new selves, new ways of being.

Tricky question . . . once I know what I have been unaware of, I am aware of it , and I think I am aware of everything at some level since we are all connected -- I may just not be consciously aware. The word "noticing" though lends itself better to the action of attention, of mindfulness. In this regard, I have not been noticing, or paying attention to, my need to follow the path paved with my happiness and where I encounter all that I am.

I gave up my need to save my daughter from herself and her decisions. . . my enabling was allowing her to continue a lifestyle that did not serve anyone's best interest. It is a hard, humbling lesson for a parent to learn. She may or may not be continuing her lifestyle. I don't know because in withholding my enabling, she removed herself entirely from my life. And with her went all the stories I have always told myself about parenting, loving, mother-daughter relationships, how things should be, and what is supposed to be.

That the giant sandcastle growing out of the beach on the ocean was actually a lighthouse . . . my mother tells me I was about 18 months old at the time and I found it phenomenal that such things could grow from sand. Of course, years later, I was disillusioned to discover that people built them from brick and mortar and cement -- sand (evidently) is just way too unstable.