of course we are there; we are every place we intend to be . . . if we like the there where we have arrived, then we can continue to travel the intentional path that takes us to that there; if we don't like the there where we are, then we should perhaps change our intentions so that our there becomes the there that we imagine we want to arrive at; be warned that using this method often takes me to a there that is not even on the map.

I know just enough to get myself into trouble and just when I think I have figured me out and have a handle on things . . . wham . . . I fall on my ass and find out I know nothing at all. Because I don't have a clue often how I am going to be, I just try to stay present in all situations and respond in the best interests of myself and others -- a lofty goal which I don't quite perform with expert perfection as often as I would like. My calling is to become brave enough to be who I am even if I don't quite know all of me yet and I know that I love me and the people and creatures in my life, all things Gaia, and the written word that allows me such freedom to explore and express.

I need to learn how to stop taking EVERYTHING so seriously . . . I need to let go of the irritability that has possessed me lately (and which seems to be targeted directly at my boyfriend) . . . I want help from the universe in opening up a door or showing me a path that I can follow to my true existence and purpose . . . I can make my own life more wonderful if I would just stop, pause, be present, remember, and apply all this really great advice I give other people and own it for myself . . . let go of the outcomes and just enjoy the process . . .

Choice is my compass. Always, I have the option of how I will respond to what life asks of me. My rules are simple: be present and respond from a place of authenticity and love within me and to accept that others have the right to live their lives and make their own choices.

I am a Taurus and find that many of the qualities ascribed to me by that sign are subject to interpretation and application. And I believe astrology is just like anything else in life: the stars are a moving target same as we are . . . always in motion so a horoscope is only as valid as the moment the stars are viewed and read and interpreted by someone else's current state of mind or being . . . or, as happens on the Internet, a bunch of zero's and one's calculating something to put out to everyone in one-size-fits-all format. I have never had a horoscope actually come true, although occasionally I find gems of advice like the one that read: Become one with your target. So, all day long, I repeated this mantra: I am the winning lotto numbers . . . I am the winning lotto numbers. Unfortunately, every possible combination of numbers exists within me in some fashion (I know I have at least 12 feet of intestine, 10 fingers, 2 kidneys, 1 nose, etc.) and I could not be sure which combination was going to be selected that day and I am the least sure about the number of active brain cells that I may have at any given moment. Like right now . . . at 4:30 a.m. Too many of the stupid ones are awake and all of the intelligent ones are asleep.

I need to say "no" to all the distractions that come dancing my way waving their fancy little fantasies and tales of pleasure; to stop thinking in the Land of Supposed To Be and instead think in the Land of I Want To Be; to take full responsibility for my choices and trust that I am going to take care of myself no matter what; I am waiting for the stars and planets to line up in perfect harmony, for the love of my life to finally "get it" and make me happy, for everything to be okay so that I feel safe in taking that next big step, and if I continue this frame of thought, I will be waiting a long long long long long time so it occurs to me that I will probably take a small step today, put a toe (maybe even an entire foot!) in the water to test its depth, measure its temperature, and see how it might be to walk in that ocean. At some point, I know I may fall off some yet unseen precipice and find myself underwater, but that's okay . . . I know how to swim.

My presence . . . it waits for me with eternal patience, and while it may nudge me every once in a while to get my attention, to poke and prod me along my resistant path of self-discovery, for the most part, my presence watches me negotiate my becoming in this life with silent approval and accomodating wisdom, letting me know that I am just fine the way I am  . . . always waiting for me to bring my presence to life.

 I resisted the urge to look outside and instead looked within . . . I found beauty in the validation of our continuous interconnected existence as One in my breath. As I breathed in oxygen, I inhaled molecules of air that other humans and creatures had breathed out, that plant life had released, and I realized that as I exhaled, my breath would eventually reach them as well.

Um . . . this presupposes that I am not enlightened right now . . . what a disappointing and disturbing turn of events . . . well, there went THAT illusion. Okay. For the sake of the game, I will play along. Let's pretend I am not enlightened. There. I feel much better now. If I were truly and totally enlightened (my guess is I might have to be a little bit "dead" -- using the word in the sense that everyone fears -- but I digress) . . . back to the point: if I were enlightened, I would be responding to all people, things, events, all-that-is from my true and living presence. Any disturbance in the force would be okay because I would know it, too, is a part of all-that-is, and it is life just becoming more of itself.

Are you kidding? My whole existence is one big question mark followed by a bazillion little ones. Most of them start out with the phrases "How can I . . ." or "What is . . ."  or "Why . . ." or "Am I . . ."  or "Isn't there . . ."? Like this morning: How can I better deal with the difficult people in my life? What is it that I am doing or thinking that attracts this difficulty to me? Why do I need this difficulty to keep me on my path? Am I able to let go of it and still keep myself on my path? Isn't there a way to do this that is more peaceful and enjoyable and relaxing for me? Sometimes, I manage to answer myself. I have this silly belief connected to this particular difficulty question that says I must have difficulty on that path over there (where I don't belong) so I will stay on this path over here (where I do belong) because if I start having a good time over there, then I might forget my path over here and be lost forever on my journey, die, get to heaven, and God (or whoever is in charge) says to me, "you have to go back and do it over."  I would throw one heck of a temper tantrum. BUT, now that I am aware of my what, why, and how, and I can bring my presence to that part of my life and respond from there. And, I don't have to climb every mountain just because it is there.

Sleep . . . I have never slept well (very restless spirit here) and it would be so good for me to sleep soundly, deeply, restfully . . . I think the best another could do for me is share what works for them, and the best support I could give me is to work with those issues (both environmental and internal) that prevent me from sleeping and resting peacefully.

When my 7-year-old granddaughter was directing her other grandmother to the house that is mine, she said "See? That's it. Isn't it such a bright and cheery place to live?" Her other grandma told me this. I had never thought of my home as being all that bright and cheery (I still miss my daughter -- her mother  -- every single day) and my home seems very dark and lonely to me especially after one of my syndrome episodes. I did not realize that my granddaughter thinks of it and being with me that way. Her reflection of her own bright and cheery self into my life is  the most beautiful thing I have ever encountered.

I would tend my gardens: read endlessly, write with great abandon, play in my garden, love as if it were my last day of life, go to sleep, wake up the next day, and do it all over again.

Lack of restful sleep is of high concern right now . . . the revisiting post-concussive syndrome episodes that I have been reaching to heal may or may not come to visit in the next week or so . . . I am working with yoga nidra methods to help my sleep, and my waking mantra is to bring my presence as fully as I can into my life. Mostly, I hear my body say it wants rest and exercise, and I am struggling with how to make that happen (as opposed to "let" it happen) because life just keeps getting in the way.

I am in my office at work (shhhh! don't tell anyone!) I recently changed the furniture arrangement to put me closer to my window which opens to a grove of trees and the afternoon sun; it also gave me an excuse to purge old and useless stuff while packing and then purge again when unpacking. The new arrangement gives me more useful desk space, less clutter, more accessibility to people who come into my office, and gives me a great feeling of satisfaction . . . hopefully, this type of work nesting supports my earth chakra!

My inner voice . . . my inner wisdom that speaks to me quietly without words, without judgment, using only feelings and body sensations to send me guidance. I sometimes ignore my own presence in favor of silencing the chatter and fear in my mind, trying to fulfill and heal a distant hurt or pain, or trying to control people and situations in my life to what I think I might want or need. There is no going back . . . but I can recognize the lessons learned, become aware of that habit, and seek my presence in every moment.

Distraction . . . it is a huge influence. The hesitation monster . . . it, too, has an iron grip on my forward movement. I will bring my presence to meet these two aspects of myself and have a conversation . . . stay tuned.

How to connect with his inner presence . . . what could I provide that would give him the feelings of safety and security in our relationship that he could be fully himself?

Those oxygen molecules pretty much have total power and final authority and control over my life . . . at least this physical existence. Right behind them comes water, which is also dependent upon oxygen molecules for its existence. Once I have their permission to continue living, I think my greatest authority comes from my conscience, my innate sense of right and wrong, and my growing sense of wonder of how I attract other life to me -- then my sense of responsibility takes over: how can I best respond to life in this moment?

Um . . . we don't? I know duality seems to be the default way of being -- that we are separate and apart from the universe; that these fragile paper-thin bodies we inhabit are somehow self-sustaining and exclusatory (<==== not sure that is a real word), but that is an illusion. It does not occur to me NOT to see the universe as a living thing . . . it is us. We are just occupying this particular collection of molecules called human bodies for the moment -- barely a sneeze in the day-to-day collection of emergence of all that is. If more of us believed and accepted this, we would see and feel more easily how we are all One, parts of the same Whole, and realize that it is for eternity so maybe we should start to love, nurture, and be at peace?

I think we are ancient . . . and have just forgotten.

Simplicity already supports aliveness. Life is only complex when we look at the big picture -- we see endless, countless interactions and parts connecting, disconnecting, creating, destroying . . . yet each existence whether it be organic or inorganic has simplicity at its base. Look at each task you undertake, each machine you might use, how your body functions, and it is all the interaction of simplicity. It just looks gigantic, and thus, overwhelming sometimes. Mindfulness of each present moment and looking beneath the surface to see all the parts that are coming together just to create this moment for you (and me!) is just one path to discovering more wholeness and less distraction. What is essential and important to life is an individual decision as are the connections we choose to sustain. But it does not matter . . . everything is connected anyway.

We are responding, but I think mostly out of fear and disconnect. We are at the top of the food chain -- we have observed countless times what happens to the species above the one that just went extinct . . .

My ego really wants to answer this question . . . I was raised to think of "gifts" as being talents, of being better at some certain thing than others, being "gifted" was associated with genius and provided one with special considerations and rewards. Gifts my parents gave me came with a certain amount of continued ownership on their part -- they were more of a bribe than a gift. As I have grown, I have discovered that a true gift is something that is given without strings, to be accepted or not, to be utilized or not, to be appreciated . . . or not. This is a wonderful question for me because I think I might know what my gifts might be but I must apply my own definition to them. I believe I chose my gifts (as well as my challenges) before I even arrived here in this physical reality, so I gave them to myself saying: you are going to need these. It is now just a matter of unwrapping them . . .

I grew grass in my living room -- it was real easy . . . some potting soil, little pots, grass seed, a window with sunlight , water occasionally, and  BOING . . . grass . . . the real kind of grass like in yards . . . not that other grass from the sixties. Ideas are easy, too. They pop into my head begging for expression so I get some words and plant them on my computer screen and eventually print them out on paper, just like the grass in my living room will soon join the yard folk out front. Words are like the grass seeds that grow my sentences that flow into paragraphs that become my stories, essays, and books. They are a path . . . a journey . . . a method . . . a companion . . . the way I become more me. I am flowing towards me, growing towards me, becoming more my own presence in this world, and the universe is pulling me there -- towards Joseph Campbell, Yoga Nidra, Viktor Frankl, the existential questions of forever, joy, full expression of existence, the realization of oneness with all-that-it and I don't know if I will ever know when I have arrived. I just know each day brings me closer. Siona -- can tomorrow's question be what is not coming easy?

Somewhere between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m. this morning, I woke up with these words: we are nonphysical spirits who emerged to experience the physical because it is the only way we can grow and evolve in certain areas; our purpose is to develop our spiritual selves through the people and events we encounter; we attract exactly what we need to grow, learn, and become more; some of us may only be here to realize our spiritual nonphysical presence actually exists; it does not matter that all physical things are transitory; we only need them temporarily. My highest self wants for me to be happy, to be fully who I am, to be true to myself, to honor my presence in this reality, that I deserve the best, I deserve to be treated well especially by my self, to love, be loved, and live completely.

be my existential self . . . without a doubt, it is my eternal quest to seek , discover, uncover, discuss, read, write, and be new knowledge about existence, even if that knowledge cannot be defined in words and can only be lived; while I might disagree with some of the doctrine of the existential philosophers, I believe we are creating our universe, our world, our experience in each moment and if I want to change the momentum in my life, I need to change in this moment. 

be my existential self . . . without a doubt, it is my eternal quest to seek , discover, uncover, discuss, read, write, and be new knowledge about existence, even if that knowledge cannot be defined in words and can only be lived; while I might disagree with some of the doctrine of the existential philosophers, I believe we are creating our universe, our world, our experience in each moment and if I want to change the momentum in my life, I need to change in this moment. 

Oh, dear. I knew this question would find me one day and then I would have to answer honestly . . . all of the "work" that I do that earns me money makes me tired and eventually bores me. I tolerate it as a way to fulfill my need to chop wood and carry water and what I do for a "living" is good enough, it is secure, I work with good people, and it is . . . well . . . easy. The "work" I do on my writing, though, and my gardening, and my drawing, and for school . . .  that's a whole different story. I can write about existential issues endlessly, garden by candlelight, color pictures all day long, and sit in a class room where we have discussions about spirituality, eternity, discovering oneself, learning how to support and be there for others until somebody came in and made me stop. I am sure that is why eternity agreed to let me become human . . . there was too much chatter in the nonphysical and I needed another outlet. I may have to buy this book and figure out a way to financially support myself with the second part of my work.

I bring the gift of my presence -- we all bring the special skill of just being us to everything. It is the most unique of treasures and no one can bring it better than me. And to be responsive to all parts of the question, one of my gifts is that I am responsive: I acknowledge others, the project, the question, and even if the response required of me is to do nothing, I honor that. My most practical gift is that of management -- I know how to manage a project well within its deadlines. My own personal deadline is a moving target . . . always just the next moment away even though I prefer to think of it as being far, far away in some nonexistent future. That line between the physical dead and the living reminds me to unwrap all my gifts and bring my presence/presents fully to life.