Take care of me. Taking care of me means taking care of the environment that supports me (both internal and external). Taking care of me means being present and accountable for my interactions with others. Taking care of me requires that I bring my presence to life in each and every moment. Taking care of me means feeding the cat so she does not attack me from behind . . . (she is very ferocious for 8 pounds!)

We are essence of eternity, energy that has translated into the slower moving molecules that allow us to be physical. Our eternal presence is always connected to all-that-is even while our individuality interacts with each other. It is something I try to remember and integrate into all my relationships -- while I am loving, speaking, holding, being with another, I try to remember: we came from the same place and are a part of the same existence.

I asked for insight into the recent realization that I was attracting adolescent behavior from the man who I have been dating, noting that I am less and less attracted to him and that behavior. I am still seeking a parent /grown-up somewhere in him, but attracting the adolescent that I still am (that which is like itself is drawn). There are wonderful, loving parts of him revealed, but  they are not available to me. I need to bring my own grown-up to life, to this and all relationships, be my own parent and stop looking to him (and others) to be the parent. So, yes, I got what I asked for.

My first impulse this morning was to respond: I was born grown-up. But since it was 5:00 a.m. and I was a little bit grumpy, I let that feeling pass, went to work, left it alone, came home, and still feel the same way. I was born grown-up. My deepest desire is to reconnect with the presence I disconnected from in order to be grown up.

Sleep. Sanity. (<=====those two might go together) Common sense. Less to do. Love. Mindfulness. Really good vanilla ice cream. Not sure if all of these need to be scavenged . . . might be freely available to me right now . . . but then there is that knowing where to look thing . . . hmmm . . . sometimes it is a case of hide and go seek . . . sometimes a case of looking in the mirror (except that might make me stop looking for the vanilla ice cream).

Letting go of control (or the illusion of control) is my major risk and I do it every day, a little more . . . a little more. Risk implies there is something to lose . . . and in my case, there is only the chance that I will lose my illusions. The result is that I am living closer and in more harmony with my daily intent to live life as it happens, to "be" the life I want to live, to choose what is best for me, and to love relentlessly.

My first place of refuge is always within myself; while I believe that I am always connected to my eternal presence, I also know that my ego often thinks it is in control and wants to handle things ALL BY MYSELF. My neurotic need to be totally independent and never depend or need anyone can often get in the way. As I become more mindful of our interconnectedness, I pay more attention to my presence and that gives me more insight as to how I can best take care of me in any situation with any person or event, because in taking the best care of me that I can, I am taking the best care of all-that-is. And, that insight will bring the right person or place or action to me or show me how to find them -- I find a lot of support here on Gaia, in books, in my friends and co-workers, and at school. My ego loves that part because then it feels it has something to do . . .

Today is the color of hope . . . white with trickling blends of the rainbow. I could take my paintbrush and color the day any way I choose. Every potential color is folded into the fabric of white and if I look closely, holding white up to the sunshine, I can see them all . . . thousands of colors hanging together, glittering happily silent, glad to be the individual color each one is, and still be a part of the whole.

right here, right now, surrounded by myself and the things that reflect me: my coffee, my computer, my writing, my kitty, a bagel (or oatmeal) on the way, birds chirping in the trees, my deck scattered with flowering plants in various stages of growth and nurturing, my journal lying open on the table ready for me to jot down notes that come to mind, the dream I had last night (I actually broke up with Tom Cruise . . . in my dream . . . I am sure I broke up with an ego part of me . . . I really wouldn't break up with Tom Cruise, would I?). I am most comfortable being me and having my me things with me. As long as I have me, a journal or a computer, and a connection to others, I am always home.

Definitely. I believe we have a relationship with everyone to more and lesser degrees. What we see in others, we recognize only if we have it in ourselves. It keeps me from judging others as less or more than I am, and helps me not to judge myself. If I someone in my life is acting self-centered and egotistical, I need to look at how I am self-centered and egotistical. Similarly, though, if I see wondrous acts of kindness and compassion, then I must own that, too. If I can name it (it being the behavior or quality), then it is me, too. Then I can choose what behavior or quality I wish to be more of.

My job. Things are currently frantic with me running from one project to another. It is what I dislike the most but pays the best . . . but even this is not the best answer I can give this morning. Actually, I run to outcomes and run away from process. I want to have arrived, rather than been on the journey. I want to see a completed product or achievement. And the job is one way to have arrived. It is a huge lesson to learn (that and the fact that only a part of my ego is as huge as that of Tom Cruise . . . it scares me to think of how large the rest of my ego is!).  I am working to get a grip on this process thing, after a lifetime of goal orientation. And working to not make getting a grip on process a goal. I can be pretty tricky. But this points to something I need to pay attention to, Gaia friends. I need to start responding to Gaia in the evenings and save my morning time freshness and openess for my personal writing (I have only about 20 essays/stories/books in "process" right now). I think I use Gaia in the mornings to run away from those because they are process and I know responding on Gaia accomplishes an outcome. I think I will bookend my days from here on out with my books/stories/essays writing in the morning and sharing (finishing) writing in the evening on Gaia. Anyway . . . that's the plan . . .

My most desired way of living . . . I am a seeker, wandering spirit, content to explore existential questions where all answers are correct whether it be through talking, writing, thinking, listening. I deny myself seeking the lifestyle I love because I think I will not survive for very long, will end up penniless and alone, homeless, foodless, and all that. My life has been a compromise between the two.

I want to be as selfish as my cat, as delightful as my granddaughter, and as wise as the entity who made water. I want to be more connnected with all-that-is and see the eternity of my presence. I want to be a part of planning and creating the next universe . . .

Being wrong . . . followed closely by being harsh or saying something hurtful to another person. My advice from experience: never underestimate the value of keeping your mouth shut.

I would like to swim deeper into the ocean of my creativity . . . for too long I have let my parents, my siblings, my "friends", unknown critics, and myself judge my creative efforts and find them severly lacking to their standards. I would like to explore my ability to draw a picture, color a mandala, perfect my Yoga Nidra, write the stories that bubble within me, and paint my life the way I want it.

Not quite-so-nice traits and tendencies . . . the need to please, the belief that others know better than me, the idea that others will take care of me because its all their fault anyway, victimhood. I have spent over 30 years letting these go with all their hidden nuances and agendas and even now occasionally a leftover tidbit of old belief rises up and I see again how I have allowed others' belief systems to control me and my decisionmaking. And I think that is the best part of these legacies: I have learned and owned the fact that I adopted them, took them on as my own, made the decision to keep them, and made the decision to let them go. Once I see that I made the decision to adopt my family legacies (even if that decision was based on my unconscious need to survive), then I know I have choice. Choice is everything -- choice is the ultimate freedom . . . especially the choice of how we think about things. The legacies taught me well. They taught me how to find me.

I am better at standing up for what I need than I ever have been, but my tendency is to make sure everyone else's needs are met before mine; this is because I was "brainwashed" (i.e., parenting) into believing that it was the only way I could get my needs met -- in other words, if my mother and father were okay and their needs were met, then they would be able to take care of me and meet my needs. As I got older, I realized . . . what a pile of crap. Especially after I realized that I could meet my own basic needs and did not really need other people to guarantee my survival. And now that I am even older and am in touch with my own eternity (just a fingertip, mind you, not the whole embrace), I realize that my survival is guaranteed: I am a part of all that is.

my inner hesitancy demon - I would like to let go of my hesitancy, especially when I know in my heart of hearts what is right for me and give up the hesitancy demon's cousin: second guessing. I would love to surrender to my inner wisdom and relax into the life I came here to live.

I would like to choose me and my right path . . . whatever that brings . . . whereever it takes me.

Let's see . . . what do I hide so well that not even I know it is there . . . hmmm . . . I don't think I keep any secrets from myself, but rather prefer to awaken and become aware as I am ready to. There is something to be said for experience and a certain amount of confidence so that what I hide from can be unfolded, revealed, and held and cared for in loving arms. Greatness implies more than I am now and I think I am perfectly great as I am.

In my perfect week, I live eternally present, loving passionately, speaking with my true voice, allowing well-being to emerge through me, honoring the presence who I am, and connecting connecting connecting with all the lovely souls who I share this air with.

How am I bringing my presence to life today? This mantra that pretends to be a question has been nagging at me and I may have to write a book about it. It has caused me to stop and reflect about Viktor Frankl's search for meaning question: what is life asking of you? and I thought, who is going to respond? My intellect? My conditioning? My mind? My what-is-it-that-I-must-do-to-keep-whomever-happy persona? No. None of these. If I am going to respond authentically to life, I want to do it from my true presence. Still in discovery mode.

These ones . . . the ones where I get to sit down at my computer, click on Gaia, connect with the words and minds and consciousness of others. I am breaking my rule this particular morning about waiting until evening to connect on Gaia -- being in San Diego with nothing to do except write and walk (avoiding the tourist thing having been here about a zillion times in my life), I have two days to investigate and play with my own writing that I have been avoidng. I love these 15 minutes, though. While I imagine that I am doing something outside of me by connecting here, I am really going inside me and connecting with me to connect with you, reestablishing my link to all-that-is. Oh, and yesterday on the way to the airport in the shuttle bus, I shared a moment with a woman named Mary Elda. It turns out she was on her way to her sister's funeral. I am just sending out my thanks to her for sharing so honestly, reaffirming my being as a safe harbor for her feelings, and I hope she is still feeling my support as I send my thoughts her way.

Silent retreat for five days with the Jesuits on the shores of the Potomac River. It was lovely to commune with my companions only with presence, to share in the sacraments and ceremonies or not, to watch the bald eagles nesting, and reflect in private -- no television, no computers, no cell phones. Meditation music allowed, but not needed because the sounds of silence, the rushing of the river, the song of birds, and hearing my own breath in my ears was enough.

I want to be a drummer in a rock-n-roll band . . . something really spectacular with splashing crashing booms and thumps and fireworks at the end. Rhythm appeals to me, too, so I might try to learn some of that as well.

Let go of the illusion of control and the need for a specific outcome. When I remove outcome from my relationships with others, I am suddenly free to experience others as themselves, not as I wish them to be (or *sigh* as I think they should be). And I give myself permission to be who I am, too, so others can experience me as I truly am.

Self-commitment and tending to my gardens (the places that I need to cultivate to grow both internal and external). I let other people's agendas (real and imaginary) take precedence and find myself saying "yes" to taking care of things for them or going places I would rather say "no" to -- for a whole bunch of reasons. I am avoiding me . . . and the pursuit of my dreams, my truths, my place.

How to sleep better . . . I am a restless sleeper, the slightest sound wakes me up, I have this post-concussive syndrome that manifests into hyperactive frontal lobe issues that wake me up every two hours, and it makes me irritable and cranky. Lots of people give me advice about what works for them (and I definitely appreciate it) but like most problems of this nature, I need to find the solution that is mine and works for me. Lately, one solution has been to become independently wealthy so I can sleep whenever I want.

Here. There. Everywhere. In the present. In the past. In the future. To nothing. To everything. To everyone. Anytime. Any place. Anywhere. I am. You are. We are. Together. Apart. Alone. As One.

I am going nowhere --- it is all coming to me. People, animals, events, ideas, thoughts, words, life, death --- all these arrive in my life and ask me the question: how will you respond?