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November 2009 
What has happened in your life?
Posted on Jun 6th, 2009
by 
barbara
barbara
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for June 06, 2009:
Recently, I have discovered just how inauthentic and deceitful I can be. It is the essence of my inability to maintain lasting friendships, including one with myself. I recently told my boyfriend that I wanted to "leave this relationship" and it is still true . . .that relationship was based on my lack of being truthful (i.e., saying something was okay when it was not, going out of my way to be with him when I needed to be tending to my life). I shared with him that I want to create a new relationship based on my authenticity and honesty. I have several people and events to thank for this, not the least of which is the freedom of space and love on Gaia that allows me to explore who I am.
Access: Public
All of what you say is true, Tharlam. Most of my life has been about trying to be like other people to the point where I deadened who I truly was and have spent a long slow journey reawakening; to discover that I have been this way out of choice and that there is a way to be fully alive and me is both frightening and liberating. It does require courage …
Your honesty and truth here are inspiring Barbara, and courageous.
I can very much relate to what you are saying…the trying to live for others at the expense of being true and authentic.
You must feel huge relief as you realize and awaken to this.
Thank you for sharing this Barbara!
barbara,
Here's a Cafe where writing can help you peel that onion. Sometimes it helps to see another perspective. I leave little crumbs all over the planet, but Gaia is my home.
Thank you for your honesty and courage.
thanks for the encouragement and validation – and the link to the Onion Cafe – I have a new commitment to live with integrity and presence to others. :-)
I try to soften the blow by reminding myself that many of us were trained to be inauthentic in our lives. Just as with any habit, we have to unlearn the old habit of inauthenticity, and learn the habit of honesty and integrity and presence. As Tharlam said above, it is an ongoing process.
Every forward step is another move in the direction of finding your true self. Your are right, barbara. We are fortunate to have this wonderful gaia space to explore who we are and who it is that we want to become. Well spoken.