for my daughter to be okay; she is the mother of my granddaughter and we have not seen her in over two years

safety and the struggle of a father's love to see that his son is secure and knows he is cared for; tonight (and all this week) I am at my boyfriend's place while he is on travel so that his son will not be alone; the beauty I see is not in the furnishings or the fabulously khaki-green uniforms hanging in the closet, but in the continuous, relentless pursuit of doing the right thing for the ones we love

I would love to dream in these coming midnight hours about my presence -- my true presence -- the being I was born to be -- and I would like to talk with me and in this discussion, i would like to find out what is my reason for being here now, why am I in this life?

That I would accept life with all its unrealized potentialities, unfulfilled promises, and forgotten possibilities is still perfect in its unfolding, in its creation, in its continuous journey . . . that I would bring this wisdom into my heart, make it my soul's prayer, make this undeniable truth my peace -- that would make my perfect day  . . .

Being alive works . . . but then so does knowing, absolutely knowing without a doubt that I continue in eternity -- always have and always will -- works, too.

realizing and accepting that I already am and taking the responsibility that comes with it

Nothing . . . my life has been an experience of learning to let go of everything, especially attachment to that which I long to cling to forever.

This sunrise saying yet again: here's another opportunity . . .

 We really need to get over the idea that this is some kind of special "talent" or something. All that exists (including you and me) is energetically sensitive because everything IS energy. Our thoughts are energy, our emotions are energy, our bodies are energy, and energy is going to interact with other energies whether we want them to or not. Ted's post made the best distinction: "I find that if I am not fully conscious, I ‘go with the flow' of what is going on around me." I agree with Ted, try to be mindful of my ego's need to be special, and be conscious of how I am responding to the energies within and around me. That is the only choice we really have: how we respond to the energies of others. How we respond to the energies of phenomena like lightning, however, is an entirely different matter . . . perhaps a question for another day.

Here, there, and everywhere . . . and the right answers always come from love . . .

Okay, I get it now . . . a trick question. There is this assumption that there is a time other than the present moment and that is an illusion. There is no other time. (Actually, there is no "time" at all - but that is an argument for another day.) All there is is the present. We just have this little thing called a brain with a memory that can remember a past (that may or may not be accurate) that can invent a future (that may or may not occur). This knowledge is what helps me deepen into the present moment: be here now. be HERE now. BE here now. be here NOW. Where else could I be? I think that what brought this home for me was Joseph Campbell's words: "Eternity is now. It doesn't begin when you die. You're in it NOW."

this word and its watery concept has caused me all sorts of problems and been the root of justified abuse in my life; the religion in which I was raised insisted that I forgive others for hurting me and those who hurt me used it as a justification to hurt me further; in their minds, they could do whatever they wanted because "God would forgive them." I still find this "forgiveness" thing as a cheap way out for people who don't want to change or be held accountable for their behavior. I don't see any need to "forgive" someone of their human nature. I have hurt others out of my ignorance and stupidity, and have said I was sorry, made amends,
and worked to not harm another. However, I know I continue to say or do things that ,when viewed by another's perception, are harmful to themselves or others. (Anytime I see a cheap, useless trinket that has a tag that reads "Made in Japan" or "Made in China" or "Made in Taiwan" I feel a twinge of remorse that someone has to make such things to be able to exist and I am actually torn between buying it so that person would continue to have a job or not buying it because it serve no purpose.) I would prefer to accept us for all our humanness. But I don't forgive anyone who purposefully harms another with knowledge and intent -- that, for me, is enabling them to continue that behavior. My forgiveness in those cases consists of removing my presence from theirs. When I read other people's posts about letting go and try to fit that definition into my concept of forgiveness, I can do that to some extent, but that does not mean I have to let those people back into my life. I love me too much . . .  let it rain.

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html

I want to quit worrying that other people simply are not meeting the standards of behavioral perfection that I have set for them. I had this epiphany on the heels of that incredible series of conversations about forgiveness the other day (9/11) and now am going around to all the people that I know apologizing for my being perfect. To relieve them of their burden of meeting my need for them to be perfect so that I don't have to worry any more, I have decided to give up being perfect myself. There. How's that for selflessness.

I think I was still perfect back then . . . but I am much better now

I would gear up my warlock on World of Warcraft and learn how to raid . . .

that whispery prelight time before dawn when the spirits of daylight have just begun to arrive on the earth and the spirits of the night are departing for the skies on the horizon beyond -- there is that little empty space where it is just me or I or my presence . . . my being -- my aloneness who engages and contemplates existence in my most favorite spot of time. It is just me who exists then . . . as soon as I have engaged with others, I no longer exist alone. They are precious tiny moments, savory slivers of living.

I find it easy to say no and have thousands of ways to do it: with words, gestures, nonresponses, and sometimes, I just disappear . . .

Children need to know that someone will stand for them . . . that the grown-ups of the world will be behind them, will nuture them, will create a space for them to grow and experience everything that they will, and someone will be there for that child no matter what that child experiences. We cannot dictate what any child will experience. None of us knows why any of us chose to come to this life. But I know without any doubt that I am here to stand for children, to protect their right to have someone support them through all of their experiences, and let them know they are not alone.

LISTENING TO OTHERS. Did I say that loud enough? If not, let me say it again: LISTENING TO OTHERS! I prefer listening to people talk, but if I have to ask question, I prefer a sincere series of questions. When I am really interested in finding out about someone I ask: what is going on in your life right now? How do you feel about that? What do you think about that? Would you like that to be different? What would you like to be different? How would you change that if you could? If I find that people are answering with a series of negative (or "woe is me" answers), I start down the positive path: What is going well in your life? What do you like about your life? What could you do more in your life that feels good? The important part about asking any question is really really really really really really being interested in LISTENING to the answer. And not always having to have any advice to give . . .

 

my birth name comes from the Latin or Greek "barbaros" meaning foreign or strange . . . go read my blog . . . it fits {sigh}. But then, I don't think I would want ever to be anyone else.

I want to come to know the great sea of humanity I am a part of. I would tour the castles of Europe, talk with the ghosts, visit with my ancestors at Transylvania, tiptoe through the gates of Auschwitz and Dachau where my father left his footprints; I would visit Africa and climb through jungles and wander vast deserts, and spend weeks and weeks and weeks in Australia and New Zealand before wandering the Mediterranean and Far East; then I would eventually make my way back north through Sweden and Switerland and Russia toward Alaska to watch the northern lights. Then I would climb back south through Canada and America, down into Mexico and South America and eventually find Antartica . . . and then maybe I'll start all over again in case I missed anything.

when I have grown in some capacity in understanding the other being I have been with (regardless of whether that being is human or not . . . I sometimes have conversations with animals or insects . . . even spiders, but really I am normal . . .  whatever that is). Anyway, i digress. A good conversation for me is one that allows me to see the other in as he, she (or it) truly is. And, accepting the other as he, she, or it truly is.

they are they same: very temporary living spaces

Alive, mostly. My childhood was hugely confusing and just a little bit dangerous, but I survived (obviously). And have been searching for meaning ever since. Fortunately, I found it! Yes, I found the meaning of life and it is ME! Yes! I am the meaning of my own life. Darn. Back to square one. So, if there is any meaning to be found, I have to make it . . . that's right. I have to make the meaning in my own life. I get to choose and make it happen on a daily moment-to-moment basis (oy). I get to choose who, what, when, where, and why anything or anyone is meaningful, has purpose, calls to me, deserves my time, money, attention, or matters in any way. It is all about me me me me me me me me me . . . what a huge responsibility that is . . . and I can't blame anyone else if I choose badly . . . got to choose well . . . have to make it matter to me . . . have to make sure it matters to the other people my choice might impact -- that's for sure . . . what to do . . . what to do . . . darn that conscience of mine! Gosh, guess I better go and find out what might be good for other people, too.

My most beautiful granddaughter. My daughter who is her mother. My other daughter who is her best friend. My granddaughter's father who is her protector, her provider, her best advocate. Her other grandparent's who are her guardians, her safety net. Her teachers at school who are watching her grow. All of her friends who are her brothers and sisters. Mostly, I am grateful for this moment, this space, this gift of presence that has allowed me to know her in my life.

Bethany.

?!

play

and try not to take any of it too seriously

Nope. I don't believe that anything exists that is not us, too. We are made of the same stardust as the galaxies. We are all the same energy. We can name the acts of others as being  those of an angel, and thus, if angels do exist, we are they.