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forgiveness
November 2009 
What role has forgiveness played in your life?
Posted on Sep 11th, 2009
by 
barbara
barbara
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for September 11, 2009:
this word and its watery concept has caused me all sorts of problems and been the root of justified abuse in my life; the religion in which I was raised insisted that I forgive others for hurting me and those who hurt me used it as a justification to hurt me further; in their minds, they could do whatever they wanted because "God would forgive them." I still find this "forgiveness" thing as a cheap way out for people who don't want to change or be held accountable for their behavior. I don't see any need to "forgive" someone of their human nature. I have hurt others out of my ignorance and stupidity, and have said I was sorry, made amends,
and worked to not harm another. However, I know I continue to say or do things that ,when viewed by another's perception, are harmful to themselves or others. (Anytime I see a cheap, useless trinket that has a tag that reads "Made in Japan" or "Made in China" or "Made in Taiwan" I feel a twinge of remorse that someone has to make such things to be able to exist and I am actually torn between buying it so that person would continue to have a job or not buying it because it serve no purpose.) I would prefer to accept us for all our humanness. But I don't forgive anyone who purposefully harms another with knowledge and intent -- that, for me, is enabling them to continue that behavior. My forgiveness in those cases consists of removing my presence from theirs. When I read other people's posts about letting go and try to fit that definition into my concept of forgiveness, I can do that to some extent, but that does not mean I have to let those people back into my life. I love me too much . . . let it rain.
Eric Clapton - Let It Rain
and worked to not harm another. However, I know I continue to say or do things that ,when viewed by another's perception, are harmful to themselves or others. (Anytime I see a cheap, useless trinket that has a tag that reads "Made in Japan" or "Made in China" or "Made in Taiwan" I feel a twinge of remorse that someone has to make such things to be able to exist and I am actually torn between buying it so that person would continue to have a job or not buying it because it serve no purpose.) I would prefer to accept us for all our humanness. But I don't forgive anyone who purposefully harms another with knowledge and intent -- that, for me, is enabling them to continue that behavior. My forgiveness in those cases consists of removing my presence from theirs. When I read other people's posts about letting go and try to fit that definition into my concept of forgiveness, I can do that to some extent, but that does not mean I have to let those people back into my life. I love me too much . . . let it rain.
Access: Public
thank you barbara. i've tried talking about forgiveness as enabling behavior here at gaia before, you can imagine the response… those who are still stuck in the cycle of abuse don't recognize how they enable the abuse by their forgiveness of it (or, how the behavior they expect forgiveness for is abusive itself). they refuse to hear what i was trying to say. that hurts. and i won't forgive them for it, especially when they see absolutely nothing wrong with hurting people. this abusive mindset is rewarded in “civilized” society to such an extent, that anyone who speaks against the abuse is ostracized and ridiculed. how fucked up is that? (no, i'm not apologizing for my language, either, i really mean it.) well, anyway. thanks, sweetie. it does help to know i'm not completely and totally alone.
I think that it is very correct to keep certain people away if they can not respect you! It is also an act of love to yourself and a way to say “no” to the destructing behaviour of one.
However this does not prevent me to pray and hope that this person may one day realize the kind of energy he/she is creating in her own life and may be this one can change.
When I resent people, even if I get away to keep my integrity, It poisons me.
I feel better when I feel compassionate, even if distant and in no agreement!Just sharing in love!
Namasté
I agree, Stacy – forgiveness has been used to enable people to get away with all sorts of stuff, making those of us who have been harmed something less than who we are because we are chastised for being angry and wanting vengeance.
And, Graviola – thank you for dropping by; I read your posts occasionally. I don't pray for anyone to change their energy to what I think it should be though. People are entitled to have the energy they want to have. I just prefer they keep it to themselves unless I have invited them into my life. I don't resent them or their existence. My way is not the only way.
All the ways and paces and forms are as perfect as they can be! Because all of us are whole and holy!
And I admire everyone who has manage to find a way which fits them better to able to keep their integrity!
Namasté!
Love Eric Clapton, a man who knows much about forgiving and being forgiven. (I got his autobiography for Christmas…) I agree with you, if someone is truly sorry and stops what he is doing and seems to understand the harm he has done and feels remorse I have no problem forgiving him because I know I need forgiveness, too. But if someone won't or can't acknowledge it and make amends for the harm done there is no need to offer forgiveness. In my heart I might forgive him out of pity for him, that he chooses such hurtful ways – his own existence is probably miserable because he knows no better way and might have suffered himself at the hands of someone else. And as Ana says it keeps us from being full of bitterness and resentment, further poisoning our own lives.
Dear Boogie,
I am sorry to hear that I have been misunderstood about my comment and that things became personal!
I do not wish to change any person, only I pray for the divine in each one of us! Universal Consciousness! I believe in energy and the power of compassion and when I do my pray I am praying for the universal consciousness to change, not “a person”.
I never meant to become personal, I thought we were here to explore different perspectives and exchange in a loving and caring way! And If I have touched something in you which was not meant, I apologise! It was not my intention!
Namasté
Ana, your presence and comments are welcome here, there, and everywhere; you have no need to apologize; I think Stacy was referring to other times when this subject has come up, not to your comments specifically. The word “forgiveness” has several definitions and people use it in different ways; your words touch what they touch in others – we are not always in control of that. One thing I think all of us here on Gaia know is that what is done to one is done to all. Our well being is universal.
Barbara - I have enjoyed reading this blog entry and the ensuing discussion thread. It has caused me to pause and reflect. A gift for which I thank you.
my sincere apologies for the comment that i deleted as soon as i posted it (no, i am not asking forgiveness. i made a mistake. it's my mistake. i'll either learn from it, or repeat it, that's how mistakes work). i don't take back anything i said. i meant it. but your blog, barbara, is not the place for me to speak my mind. if you wanted to hear what i really think, graviola, you would have posted on my blog instead.
Very good, Barbara, I am in complete agreement with you. It is much easier to take myself away from the problem, cause I'm sure not here to be policing other peoples actions and lives. I know of several instances where I've been counseled to forgive someone who had hurt me badly, I have not felt so inclined. That person has not come to me asking for forgiveness. However, it doesn't trouble me, I sleep good at night. I have tried throwing a blanket forgiveness over a lot of things that annoy me, not perfect, but neither am I. I have no burning issues. T o forgive this person would require too much of my time and attention and I don't have it to give. I really don't give a flip.
Hi, Laurie – quite a stir I have here today, yes? And, Stacy, I purposefully do not forgive you and encourage you to make more mistakes especially on my blog – they keep me entertained and on my toes.
sandi – I have been looking at the term “forgiveness” in terms of “costs and benefits” and I agree with you; right now, forgiveness means to let myself off the hook of being responsible for anybody else's feelings